Gone
Ive traveled the world again. Now waking in an entirely new state with a fresh sense of tomorrow. There's great unknown here. Though, I grew up not 30 miles from where I now sleep it is all strange and new. There's great excitement in that for me. I crave the sense of adventure that most others only experience when planning for vacations. I am always seeking to go to new heights and unexplored depths. Every mountain calls to me and more so when covered in forbidden fog. Theres something ever so important about making my way to a place where nobody quite knows my story.
And yet, I am home again. The Midwest was my birthplace and the air smells of distant memory and childhoods nostalgic comforts. There's peace in the breeze and calm in the trees. I am happy to be back here. It is unknown how long I will spend in this new sojourn. My days are calculated and my mind is objective driven. It appeals to me to be objective driven again. When youre on a mission most things become so simple. Accomplish the mission. Make marked progress towards your aim. I can feel that simplicity again. It is mine for the taking.
There is also this curious notion of family. Though my friendships and my acquaintances are ever so special to me; family does have a unique quality. With every other relationship there is a lack of obligation. Underneath every act of kindness or goodness, there is the understanding that it is outside the scope of expectation. There is always a debt. It is subtle and almost undefined in the best friendships, but ever present nonetheless. With family the lines are allowed to blur. Expectation of reciprocity is suspended for only a minute and love is allowed to flow more freely. Humans struggle so much with our own selfish desire. It touches everything we do. When we give, we are ever conscious of the cost and what that price could have been spent on if it was spent on ourselves. With every sacrifice we are aware of what we could have gained for ourselves otherwise. In the moments when we can truly give freely, without feeling the pull of the selfish desire...we are happy. When we give from a pure and untangled place, we are fulfilled. Family is a convention that allows us to be better to each other than we would otherwise. If only we didnt need the conventions. Thank God we still have them.
From the desert to the plains to the hills and lakes; I am not where I once was. Things are all different now. From meager and stagnant to thriving and alive; my experience in relationships is changing too. It is astounding how it feels to go through life with no one to be with. Not just on an intimate eros based level. On a phylia and storge level as well. Im coming from a place where my friends were often distant, my bed was empty, and my family far...far away. The lack of love and the effect that had and has had on me is too soon to tell. Im not the man I thought I would be because of these hard years. I wonder how many people can say the same. What has the cold world done to all the men and women on this planet? Is anyone the person they were suppose to be?
It is interesting to note that Im becoming adapted to the wandering. I will miss my friends but I know that I will not mourn for too long. Perhaps that is survivalism or reveals the lack of love that I put into those friendships as well. I spent 4 years in Tucson sinking my entire world into those relationships and those endeavors. Then things changed. I spent 4 years drifting away from everyone that I had just met. Till now. I decided on leaving Tuesday night. I was gone by Saturday.
And yet, I am home again. The Midwest was my birthplace and the air smells of distant memory and childhoods nostalgic comforts. There's peace in the breeze and calm in the trees. I am happy to be back here. It is unknown how long I will spend in this new sojourn. My days are calculated and my mind is objective driven. It appeals to me to be objective driven again. When youre on a mission most things become so simple. Accomplish the mission. Make marked progress towards your aim. I can feel that simplicity again. It is mine for the taking.
There is also this curious notion of family. Though my friendships and my acquaintances are ever so special to me; family does have a unique quality. With every other relationship there is a lack of obligation. Underneath every act of kindness or goodness, there is the understanding that it is outside the scope of expectation. There is always a debt. It is subtle and almost undefined in the best friendships, but ever present nonetheless. With family the lines are allowed to blur. Expectation of reciprocity is suspended for only a minute and love is allowed to flow more freely. Humans struggle so much with our own selfish desire. It touches everything we do. When we give, we are ever conscious of the cost and what that price could have been spent on if it was spent on ourselves. With every sacrifice we are aware of what we could have gained for ourselves otherwise. In the moments when we can truly give freely, without feeling the pull of the selfish desire...we are happy. When we give from a pure and untangled place, we are fulfilled. Family is a convention that allows us to be better to each other than we would otherwise. If only we didnt need the conventions. Thank God we still have them.
From the desert to the plains to the hills and lakes; I am not where I once was. Things are all different now. From meager and stagnant to thriving and alive; my experience in relationships is changing too. It is astounding how it feels to go through life with no one to be with. Not just on an intimate eros based level. On a phylia and storge level as well. Im coming from a place where my friends were often distant, my bed was empty, and my family far...far away. The lack of love and the effect that had and has had on me is too soon to tell. Im not the man I thought I would be because of these hard years. I wonder how many people can say the same. What has the cold world done to all the men and women on this planet? Is anyone the person they were suppose to be?
It is interesting to note that Im becoming adapted to the wandering. I will miss my friends but I know that I will not mourn for too long. Perhaps that is survivalism or reveals the lack of love that I put into those friendships as well. I spent 4 years in Tucson sinking my entire world into those relationships and those endeavors. Then things changed. I spent 4 years drifting away from everyone that I had just met. Till now. I decided on leaving Tuesday night. I was gone by Saturday.
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