Chapter 3
Night was just on this side of bitter. Like a middle aged woman the nights were coming with less and less warmth. More and more was being taken and less given back by the sun. I could feel the danger in the air and knew the consequences of lingering too long. I was stuck in this state of indecision. The open plains held continued dangers and my current hiding spot felt so safe. However, staying here was not possible. Its like having your hand stuck in a door jam. It hurts not moving, but moving hurts even more. The solution is evident...but the body shrinks back from all that must be done.
Why do we have these little debates with ourselves? Why must we consider everything that makes life not worth living before we round the bend and find that stillness in our souls? Its a necessary flood: a demanded flood before the calming sun break. What if they saw me? What if I missed something? And then the real question....that girl. What could be done and what should I do? What will let me sleep tomorrow and what will bring me the calm after the storm of what must be done. Is the right thing to leave and to save what life must be saved...or should I try to be the hero once more. The thought of charging in brings an adrenaline shot to my heart...that old familiar addiction. The same addiction that brought me out here in the first place... What is responsible? What is right? If I fail...I will only have accomplished the fulfillment of everything that she said would happen. If I succeed...I will have saved a life...maybe. There's no telling what will happen to that girl or what has already happened. I can only imagine the evil that she has born witness to. There may not be much of a person left over to save.
And sitting here with all these question...I already know what must be done and what Im about to do. The old familiar catalog begins once more. I trace the outline of the knives in their sleeves on my pants. Three knives is just not a lot to do much with. The bow at my side has saved me from many certain deaths. But the accompanying arrows are a bit lacking. There's no denying that.
The deep sigh, the tensing muscles...I've been here before. The evil creature leading these lost men knows. Its been a trap from the first moment he whistled for the dismount. That mind searching and formulating my death is terrifying and working out my death at this very moment. He's waiting for me right now. I know this...
My mind starts to work. The debates aside...now that I have decided on what has to be done here...I have only to work out how to do it. This is my game...this is what I do. This mission is mine and mine alone. In all the world...tonight I am going to play the savior to another life. There was never an option and there never will be. That life is in my hands. Evil is at work and needs to be dispatched.
And so it shall be done.
But how?
My mind began to work out the strategies that could be employed here. Though my life has been long, and I've seen many...many battles, this is among the most immediate and unplanned for skirmishes Ive been thrown into. Usually, I've had time and superior battle knowledge. This however, was happening, and it was happening right now.
Then I heard the screaming. The voice was feminine but not that of a child. Her time in abused, ugly captivity made her small and stunted, but she was most definitely an adult. And the screaming. It was awful, and yet practiced. Such evil. My heart began to pound again. I should save her, I know I need to save her. It wasnt exactly fear that was stopping me. I noticed that my sense of fear in these situations had slowly lessened over the years. My body was certainly primed and my nerves were precipitous, but I wasnt afraid. I was...paused by the eventuality of this situation. Ive seen these creatures operate before. Ive gone into battle with men at my side and challenged the evils hold over the border towns. Even when saved, the evil that they work out is lasting. The victims are changed, and haunted. As I sit here, eyes locked on the half destroyed house...I wonder if shes even savable. The risk is my life, the reward is a broken, mangled life that will most likely never heal.
Then the shame. Ive never really allowed room in my mind for a discussion like this. My usual reflex is simply to know what must be done and do it. But what must be done here? My life had changed. There was purpose to my life now too. Instead of just aimlessly wandering around, looking for clues or reason in my strange existence...I had a goal now. That goal was at risk here. What is the greater good? What is the right way to proceed?
...
Years later, I still remembered this moment. That time in the cold, by the dragonfire house on the plains. The time I chose my mission over trying to save a life. It still hurts.
Poor girl.
....
A heavy understanding settled on me. My heartbeat steadied and my hands relaxed. My muscles disengaged with defeat. There will be a reckoning for this night. My mind memorized everyone that i had seen in that building. I visualized each face, and isolated the sound of their voices. I thought of phrases they had said and burned them into my mind. If I ever see these ...things...again...
And then I started moving away. Keeping low to the ground, I set my path south west with the stars. The coast would be out there and with that warmer weather. He would be waiting for me at the dock. Remelie said he would be waiting, with answers and direction. There was no lie in her eyes when she told me to go. Hopefully my time spent on this earth was enough to know a lie when I saw it. I hope so.
Why do we have these little debates with ourselves? Why must we consider everything that makes life not worth living before we round the bend and find that stillness in our souls? Its a necessary flood: a demanded flood before the calming sun break. What if they saw me? What if I missed something? And then the real question....that girl. What could be done and what should I do? What will let me sleep tomorrow and what will bring me the calm after the storm of what must be done. Is the right thing to leave and to save what life must be saved...or should I try to be the hero once more. The thought of charging in brings an adrenaline shot to my heart...that old familiar addiction. The same addiction that brought me out here in the first place... What is responsible? What is right? If I fail...I will only have accomplished the fulfillment of everything that she said would happen. If I succeed...I will have saved a life...maybe. There's no telling what will happen to that girl or what has already happened. I can only imagine the evil that she has born witness to. There may not be much of a person left over to save.
And sitting here with all these question...I already know what must be done and what Im about to do. The old familiar catalog begins once more. I trace the outline of the knives in their sleeves on my pants. Three knives is just not a lot to do much with. The bow at my side has saved me from many certain deaths. But the accompanying arrows are a bit lacking. There's no denying that.
The deep sigh, the tensing muscles...I've been here before. The evil creature leading these lost men knows. Its been a trap from the first moment he whistled for the dismount. That mind searching and formulating my death is terrifying and working out my death at this very moment. He's waiting for me right now. I know this...
My mind starts to work. The debates aside...now that I have decided on what has to be done here...I have only to work out how to do it. This is my game...this is what I do. This mission is mine and mine alone. In all the world...tonight I am going to play the savior to another life. There was never an option and there never will be. That life is in my hands. Evil is at work and needs to be dispatched.
And so it shall be done.
But how?
My mind began to work out the strategies that could be employed here. Though my life has been long, and I've seen many...many battles, this is among the most immediate and unplanned for skirmishes Ive been thrown into. Usually, I've had time and superior battle knowledge. This however, was happening, and it was happening right now.
Then I heard the screaming. The voice was feminine but not that of a child. Her time in abused, ugly captivity made her small and stunted, but she was most definitely an adult. And the screaming. It was awful, and yet practiced. Such evil. My heart began to pound again. I should save her, I know I need to save her. It wasnt exactly fear that was stopping me. I noticed that my sense of fear in these situations had slowly lessened over the years. My body was certainly primed and my nerves were precipitous, but I wasnt afraid. I was...paused by the eventuality of this situation. Ive seen these creatures operate before. Ive gone into battle with men at my side and challenged the evils hold over the border towns. Even when saved, the evil that they work out is lasting. The victims are changed, and haunted. As I sit here, eyes locked on the half destroyed house...I wonder if shes even savable. The risk is my life, the reward is a broken, mangled life that will most likely never heal.
Then the shame. Ive never really allowed room in my mind for a discussion like this. My usual reflex is simply to know what must be done and do it. But what must be done here? My life had changed. There was purpose to my life now too. Instead of just aimlessly wandering around, looking for clues or reason in my strange existence...I had a goal now. That goal was at risk here. What is the greater good? What is the right way to proceed?
...
Years later, I still remembered this moment. That time in the cold, by the dragonfire house on the plains. The time I chose my mission over trying to save a life. It still hurts.
Poor girl.
....
A heavy understanding settled on me. My heartbeat steadied and my hands relaxed. My muscles disengaged with defeat. There will be a reckoning for this night. My mind memorized everyone that i had seen in that building. I visualized each face, and isolated the sound of their voices. I thought of phrases they had said and burned them into my mind. If I ever see these ...things...again...
And then I started moving away. Keeping low to the ground, I set my path south west with the stars. The coast would be out there and with that warmer weather. He would be waiting for me at the dock. Remelie said he would be waiting, with answers and direction. There was no lie in her eyes when she told me to go. Hopefully my time spent on this earth was enough to know a lie when I saw it. I hope so.
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