Freewrite Revision

I must let the world hear me say these words; I need to apologize to her. All my life, I have value self control and it has been the focus I poured my soul into. I realize it takes so much self control to make wise decisions. The kind of decisions that may seem wrong but maturity would say otherwise. I want to be able to master that kind of wisdom that cant be seen until later when it hits you. I want to be able to say self control is apart of who I am as a person. Yet, in all my romantic longings, I lacked self control in one of the biggest areas of my life. Its my strongest belief that teenagers are simply not able to show romantic love in a complete way. "Love belongs to men" and this teenage boy had no business trying to tamper with it. I allowed my heart to get involved with this girl. I allowed my mind to fantasize about a future with her. ...The thing about plans is, every one of them is a fantasy until time makes them real... It was to easy to pray for my fatasys to become real. I wanted so badly to walk in the clouds and dance with my beautiful angel. I threw away all my caution and let go of all my reason. I can actually remember when I stepped off the ground. I told her I couldn't think straight when it came to matters involving her but she was persistent. What short sightedness! What foolishness!

This apology is long overdue. I feel these words are finally ready because they have been validated by my pain. An apology requires that you feel sorry. I can say with no doubts and no questions that I AM SORRY. Every moment of every day is a reminder of her absence. There are only brief moments of peace because her shadow is never far away. That shadow blocks out the sun most days. Leaving me to hide in a castle of solitude, roughly grasping my enchanted and withering rose. What a beast she has shone me to be! I lost my self control and now I am paying the price.

In truth, I used her just as much as she used me. I was her hearing ear and her wise council but she was someone that wanted me. She needed to know I cared and I needed to know someone so beautiful could chase after someone like me. I NEEDED her. That was wrong. Now, because of my immaturity, she has to suffer pain and loss. I have no doubts that my presence will stick with her. She always seemed to feel things far more emotionally than me. It pains me so incredibly much to know that I have hurt her like this. I helped create a situation that has caused my forever love immense emotional pain. What kind of person does that? Who am I pretending to be? I loved her, though I tried desperately not too, in an incomplete way. I gave into my weakness and her immaturities. I am the man; I take the lead! She trusted me to be honorable and wise but caved in under the pressure of loneliness. I failed to guard my eyes. I gave her those little expressions and allowed myself to watch her. I logged her little tendencies and her beauty in a file that she should never have been in. What i should have done is shut this door a long time ago. I should have seen wisdom in my elders council and stopped all this from happening. When she invited me to walk this road with her, I should have said no. Instead, I made a mockery of all the things I believe in. She had to be the one to end it. She had to be the one to look like the bad guy. For that, I owe her an apology. And in the end, if justice demands the pain I am feeling as recompense, its fair enough.