how the day sounds

Today felt like the first day of Autumn. Its no surprise then that I also felt whole within myself and at home. The hours upon hours of quiet musings and meditations are culminating in my head like the unparalleled resonance felt by a conductor finally hearing his song. The familiar melodies are transforming their ways from intangible design to oceans of sound. And how sweet the harmony of so much soul; the tortured and trialed notes are finally echoing out around my ears. Anticipation has yearned for these days and has held dominion over my thought for the last 5 chapters. The bliss of actualization is...overcoming.

Time's promise is coming true for me at last. Among the thousands of waiting games and green miles that mark our passions, I am reaching the end of so many. And after all is said and done, we all await our endings. Just as with every book, no matter how captivating the story, we labor in search of its definite conclusion. Reactionary forces in human clothing, we seek the source of causation; we must. Its our nature to struggle in our pursuits until at last we attain them. Once effect has found its cause, the two resolve each other into their fulfillment. I guess  that's all Ive ever really wanted. I longed for my vision's fatal resolution far too soon. For there was only ever two ways I could reach the end of this journey. One was denied to me but the other has been preserved.  Many hours have been spent contemplating the exactness of time's demands but those are other thoughts for other chapters. Regardless of approximations of how long grieving should or does take, I have reached its fulfillment.

Just another week now. Just another week of quotations, principles, hopes, passions, and untouched corners. For you see, in my mind, my existence has been that of a bad husband. As a boy who caused hurt he could not handle to himself and to the only other person he ever loved. Feelings are fickle things, overly dramatic and yet, ... completely undeniable. Isolated into a contrary position of reason and passion, Ive become unacquainted with peace of mind. Busied with things I could put the cares away, but far too often they found me in the nights. Vows I made to myself and to God and to her have exacted their price. And the cost is beside the point by now, because no matter the amount it has been paid...by both of us. We will both live with the memory of one another and the knowledge of what we meant. This unending price was all I use to be able to see. For it is often hard to see the end when at first we begin to make our way. But now I can see it. Now Im almost there. Now her thoughts, her feelings, her sadness, happiness, hope, faith, and future have nothing to do with me. The worry, the responsibility, the privilege of loving someone for all time is being taken off my chest. She's not mine any more. And yes there was an appointed time for this to be sad to me, but now that time has ended. Now I am free to be alive in my own right. Now my happiness is mine and once again I hold my own light.

Again, we can debate the exact nature of how much time is necessary or right for one to take before he moves on, but really its a little late for that. I ran this race to its end and I remained faithful as I said I would. My promises were kept, my vows are fulfilled, and I couldn't be happier.