"now now now"

For the second time in my life I am filled with plans. All my experiences seem inexorably designed to lead me along this new path. The many events and occurrences that shape a mind set and sculpt vision have fallen upon me with unaccustomed power yet again. I am about to make a real move in life. So much thought... So many angles to consider and to question. The longer life is siphoned through me the more I come to terms with my own nature. The slow brooding deliberations I seek solace in have come to defined me in an ambiguous and vague state of desperation. The romance that courses through my veins is at once contrary to my world. The carnal nature with which the world consumes itself pains me in ways that short sighted words cannot comprehend. Just as it takes time to experience such pain it takes time to convey it. For it is a certain kind of sadness that defines our generation. As nothing more than children we cry with tears that make clear our sheer youth. To contrast such tears with the sorrow of an immortal would show all too frankly how shallow our world has become. Shallow decisions and simple deviations change the course of all that could have been...

I am a man consumed by all that could have been. As a warrior poet, my mind is nothing more than an open window to nostalgia. Autumn lost and summer's reach are mere musings that help me to make some kind of sense of this decemberist existence. Often I've considered the seasons. Marking my life and its passions with the earth is a way to find comfort by aligning it with something eternal. By highlighting my relationship with time, I can in some small way name the angel and demon raging inside me. For certain thoughts come to define us all; certain creeds that we adopt to find familial freedom within. My family lies in the haunting of time.

And it is time, isnt it? It is finally time for this second chance. Though Wichita brought certain well aimed bandages it also stood reminiscent of those same desperations from which I had run away. Full of that conviction, I stand resolute again. Once again I am enchanted and determined to give my heart to something. Its taken a long time to realize that for me to ever be truly satisfied, I must give all of myself. As a faithful romantic, my heart can know only one love and therein was the problem. Very few ideas have ever gripped me so completely that I could name it with love. Consumed by the misery of unattainable fulfillment, nothing else could find a place in my heart. Nothing else could ever know the fullness of my devotion. So convinced and unmovable... Yet, time has a way of teaching us things and expanding our hearts. Now I am ready to be invested in someone again. Now I am ready to care about something again. Now I can let go all of the things I never really had.