"Finally, we’ve reached the pinnacle.
The sharp and steady drop is all that lies ahead for us,
the fading colors of our mismatched love.
The night ahead to cool our passion and
temper this bitter disillusionment with the salve of time,
ticking by in solitude.
Yet, a flaw remains,
as is always the case.
We could never find the right footing to stand eye to eye.
Now I look up at your mountain and
know it was an obstacle I could never have defeated.
You’ve reached the tranquil summit,
heart finally at rest from my agitating temptation.
But passivity is impossible for me.
It’s such a shame.
I could scream my frustration but it would tell you nothing.
I have only words, too limited and feeble
to encompass the enormity of my sorrow.
It would be a lie to say I don’t remember,
can’t relate to the love I believed in not so long ago.
I can. I feel it tangible as your hands around mine,
as real as our hearts beating out of time,
so far away from each other.
It bruises every secret place,
leaves bleeding old wounds
I wish so much could heal.
You will always choose a different road.
Always walk away from my pain.
But it’s not your fault—I have done the same to you,
and still can.
The sad thing about love is that
no matter how tightly it twists your heart
and fabricates castles in the air,
it can never cross that line into reality unless it’s returned.
Reflected like a mirror image onto another’s soul.
We understood each other,
but we couldn’t change enough to make our love potential real.
I can almost accept it,
almost let go of the conviction
that we are so right together.
But every time I get close, something reminds me.
And you regain that grip you’ve always had.
I’ll do what you need me to.
I can disappear again,
aside from poems just to let you know.
That I miss you.
Think about you.
That the best parts of me
—my words, my art—
will always belong to you.
You should know that.
I told you a long time ago.
The further away we get from the past,
the less we can relate to our younger selves.
So determined against everything in our way,
how could we fail?
Now we know.
Realistically, apathy is nearly guaranteed to seal the cracks,
at least on the surface.
Even for me.
We each felt the other dead every time we said goodbye,
maybe now we can breathe together,
separate in peace.
So keep thinking this whole thing was ridiculous. I really hope you do. I hope you look back when you’re a man, married to the kind of woman who deserves you and is beautiful inside out, and laugh at me. Please. After all the wishes that carried your name, this is the last I have for you. Go love and be happy, without me in your life or in your heart or on your mind."
.....................................................................................
The weight and wonder i hold for this simple message is something comparable to prophecy, legend. For all my devising, never have i so clearly expressed all that i feel. In so many ways she excelled beyond my ability. I loved her for that. My adoration for her gifts must be seated in a few of my own. Personally, I can boast of a great capacity to discern right and wrong. Rationalizations of the heart and social conventions never seem to cloud the clear cut truth. With this said, I suffer from such expertise. The faults of others stand out so brightly to me that it often becomes far to easy to succumb to a blind arrogance. In other words, being respectful to those to whom it is due is hard for me to comprehend. That arrogance is so contrary to everything i want to be that when i find people who excel in virtues its as if i have found a safe haven. She was my haven. Her passionate heart and beautiful character prompted respect. I didnt have to try to be amazed by her. That rebirth of wonder we often seek but rarely find...I found it.
The twists of fate that unraveled all my plans struck without warning. As in a nightmare, somewhere my mind whispered the truth of the matter but my heart was secluded and unable to catch up. How can i possibly explain my mind as she does? It's confusing because my sorrow does not stream from some loss of her. Not really. In all honesty, I never really got much of her. Always there was some half hearted distraction that cheapened every moment with its taint. Though i do not doubt my decisions, my heart is disgusted with the persistent space that has always been between us. I know my lips are still fresh but perhaps another path would have tied her to me more closely. If i had had the guts to bring my body to hers would that have provided the defibrillation necessary to shock us back to life?
Ah but what does it matter? All the what ifs of the past are trifles compared to the real questions that find me in the night. It always felt so ridiculous to be so attached to someone i had basically no time with. It felt like unsubstantiated desire and that scared me. What does love mean to you? I know what it means to me but I was terrified to unlock the last of my doors to someone who might not share my understanding. What i didnt count on was the slow march of time. Unconsciously, all my defenses were yielding to a built up dream. The promise of the future was becoming so familiar that I never heard the click of the locks. The vulnerability of such a state was terrifying. Even so, I claimed to be in complete control of my emotions. What a naive little fool i was to think such! At every downfall i wanted to throw her away. At every disappointment i was destroyed.
I have never experienced such body racking bouts of sadness before. My confusions and sorrows weren't a lamentation over the past but rather the future. I had come to terms with the agonizing and precarious distance between her and I because my reward for such vigilance would be the future. I had hoped all my endurance would purchase a pure and righteous future settled in permanence. Just as good food takes time, I was willing to wait for true love. But then NO. NO mr michael, NO. (sighs) As i said, it was naive and stupid to think that teenagers could traverse such agony and precarious danger. All the world was against us. Like selling all your belongings to buy lottery tickets, to me she was worth a billion dollar gamble. I cant decide if it was hopeless romanticism or rebelliousness that made me walk right into that wall. Never fall for the first one.
Anywho, now fast forward to the present. I recently read her letter again. It is both a sadness and a pleasure to be reminded of her brilliance. As a honey suckle on the tongue her words are just beautiful enough to plant a kiss on my heart. Deep down in a place reserved for lost causes and childhood dreams it ignites a small warmth. Finally i have found the perfect end to this blog. I could not be satisfied with anything less. As a tango for two; this is our story. Its tragic and typical, sad and solemn, beautiful and a blessing, but now its over.
As i reread her words once again; no sadness this time. Only that warmth in my heart and the faintest smile.
The sharp and steady drop is all that lies ahead for us,
the fading colors of our mismatched love.
The night ahead to cool our passion and
temper this bitter disillusionment with the salve of time,
ticking by in solitude.
Yet, a flaw remains,
as is always the case.
We could never find the right footing to stand eye to eye.
Now I look up at your mountain and
know it was an obstacle I could never have defeated.
You’ve reached the tranquil summit,
heart finally at rest from my agitating temptation.
But passivity is impossible for me.
It’s such a shame.
I could scream my frustration but it would tell you nothing.
I have only words, too limited and feeble
to encompass the enormity of my sorrow.
It would be a lie to say I don’t remember,
can’t relate to the love I believed in not so long ago.
I can. I feel it tangible as your hands around mine,
as real as our hearts beating out of time,
so far away from each other.
It bruises every secret place,
leaves bleeding old wounds
I wish so much could heal.
You will always choose a different road.
Always walk away from my pain.
But it’s not your fault—I have done the same to you,
and still can.
The sad thing about love is that
no matter how tightly it twists your heart
and fabricates castles in the air,
it can never cross that line into reality unless it’s returned.
Reflected like a mirror image onto another’s soul.
We understood each other,
but we couldn’t change enough to make our love potential real.
I can almost accept it,
almost let go of the conviction
that we are so right together.
But every time I get close, something reminds me.
And you regain that grip you’ve always had.
I’ll do what you need me to.
I can disappear again,
aside from poems just to let you know.
That I miss you.
Think about you.
That the best parts of me
—my words, my art—
will always belong to you.
You should know that.
I told you a long time ago.
The further away we get from the past,
the less we can relate to our younger selves.
So determined against everything in our way,
how could we fail?
Now we know.
Realistically, apathy is nearly guaranteed to seal the cracks,
at least on the surface.
Even for me.
We each felt the other dead every time we said goodbye,
maybe now we can breathe together,
separate in peace.
So keep thinking this whole thing was ridiculous. I really hope you do. I hope you look back when you’re a man, married to the kind of woman who deserves you and is beautiful inside out, and laugh at me. Please. After all the wishes that carried your name, this is the last I have for you. Go love and be happy, without me in your life or in your heart or on your mind."
.....................................................................................
The weight and wonder i hold for this simple message is something comparable to prophecy, legend. For all my devising, never have i so clearly expressed all that i feel. In so many ways she excelled beyond my ability. I loved her for that. My adoration for her gifts must be seated in a few of my own. Personally, I can boast of a great capacity to discern right and wrong. Rationalizations of the heart and social conventions never seem to cloud the clear cut truth. With this said, I suffer from such expertise. The faults of others stand out so brightly to me that it often becomes far to easy to succumb to a blind arrogance. In other words, being respectful to those to whom it is due is hard for me to comprehend. That arrogance is so contrary to everything i want to be that when i find people who excel in virtues its as if i have found a safe haven. She was my haven. Her passionate heart and beautiful character prompted respect. I didnt have to try to be amazed by her. That rebirth of wonder we often seek but rarely find...I found it.
The twists of fate that unraveled all my plans struck without warning. As in a nightmare, somewhere my mind whispered the truth of the matter but my heart was secluded and unable to catch up. How can i possibly explain my mind as she does? It's confusing because my sorrow does not stream from some loss of her. Not really. In all honesty, I never really got much of her. Always there was some half hearted distraction that cheapened every moment with its taint. Though i do not doubt my decisions, my heart is disgusted with the persistent space that has always been between us. I know my lips are still fresh but perhaps another path would have tied her to me more closely. If i had had the guts to bring my body to hers would that have provided the defibrillation necessary to shock us back to life?
Ah but what does it matter? All the what ifs of the past are trifles compared to the real questions that find me in the night. It always felt so ridiculous to be so attached to someone i had basically no time with. It felt like unsubstantiated desire and that scared me. What does love mean to you? I know what it means to me but I was terrified to unlock the last of my doors to someone who might not share my understanding. What i didnt count on was the slow march of time. Unconsciously, all my defenses were yielding to a built up dream. The promise of the future was becoming so familiar that I never heard the click of the locks. The vulnerability of such a state was terrifying. Even so, I claimed to be in complete control of my emotions. What a naive little fool i was to think such! At every downfall i wanted to throw her away. At every disappointment i was destroyed.
I have never experienced such body racking bouts of sadness before. My confusions and sorrows weren't a lamentation over the past but rather the future. I had come to terms with the agonizing and precarious distance between her and I because my reward for such vigilance would be the future. I had hoped all my endurance would purchase a pure and righteous future settled in permanence. Just as good food takes time, I was willing to wait for true love. But then NO. NO mr michael, NO. (sighs) As i said, it was naive and stupid to think that teenagers could traverse such agony and precarious danger. All the world was against us. Like selling all your belongings to buy lottery tickets, to me she was worth a billion dollar gamble. I cant decide if it was hopeless romanticism or rebelliousness that made me walk right into that wall. Never fall for the first one.
Anywho, now fast forward to the present. I recently read her letter again. It is both a sadness and a pleasure to be reminded of her brilliance. As a honey suckle on the tongue her words are just beautiful enough to plant a kiss on my heart. Deep down in a place reserved for lost causes and childhood dreams it ignites a small warmth. Finally i have found the perfect end to this blog. I could not be satisfied with anything less. As a tango for two; this is our story. Its tragic and typical, sad and solemn, beautiful and a blessing, but now its over.
As i reread her words once again; no sadness this time. Only that warmth in my heart and the faintest smile.
This is incredibly beautiful. I understand why this was so hard for you now. Wow. She writes with a maturity beyond her years.
ReplyDeleteThis was painful for me to read and I know nothing about the real situation. I can't imagine how it has affected you. I hope it helps; I can only imagine that she wrote this with the best of intentions.
I want to write a story about you. This is too incredible of a story to pass up.